10 things you should know about Gay life in 2015

Ok so its now totally officially cool to be gay or at least some subset of gay.  I’ve been gay most of my life (there were the straight dabbles in earlier years), I’ve been through all the self-induced drama / trauma / angst and elation.  So if you are on the cusp of joining the pride parade… there’s some things you should know –

Conchita finds out the Apple Watch's pre-order pre-order orders are sold out!! (picture Roland Zak)

Conchita finds out the Apple Watch's pre-order pre-order orders are sold out!! (picture Roland Zak)

We’re Fickle… REALLY Fickle.

You know that hugely popular thing we all loved last week… Yeah we don’t like that anymore, if you still like it, then you’re out-of-date – sorry.  Do you want to buy my Apple Watch? I’m totally over it now…its being delivered next week.

Pride’s / Eurovision

A huge gathering of Gays and their female friends (known affectionately as ‘fag hags’ or ‘Hags’ for short), where they drink to excess, party until the early hours, listen to the campest music possible and then either sleep with anything with a pulse at 5am or pass out, a truly Gay staple and something that should be done at least once.  Pride’s much the same.  Europe’s biggest Pride event, Eurovision, starts soon. #Electrovelvet to win 

Dolce and Gabbana

Shorthand (because we’re already bored of this one) - Italian Gay’s, used to be couple, were popular fashion designers in the 80’s when they were in almost relevant. Released a fragrance in the 90’s that became a staple of any Gay’s scent collection, they spilt up.  Have recently made the stupid decision to innocently air their personal opinions on gay adoption / gay parents / gay parenting.  Sadly their words in broken English saw them referring to these children as ‘synthetic’, unsurprisingly, the parents of these children, the Gay’s and many, many other plastic faced ‘celebrity’ people had an issue / jumped on the bandwagon.  So now we’re all boycotting the Fashionista’s until they launch a same-sex baby clothing line and donate a truckload of cash to some gay charity as an apology for having an opinion that differed from the rest of the herd. #boycottanyonewithanopinion

Dolce and Gabbana waving goodbye to sales of their 2015 summer collection... (Picture Stefano Rellandini / Reuters)

Dolce and Gabbana waving goodbye to sales of their 2015 summer collection... (Picture Stefano Rellandini / Reuters)

Social Media – Why would you actually talk, when you can just type it?

We live on Social Media, literally, I mean I’m writing this on FB messenger right now! If you haven’t secured your ‘gaycubhotboy@’ tags for Twitter / Instagram / Facebook / Grinder / Tinder / Spotify / Soundcloud / Amazon and eBay there is no time to waste. We Gays are currently blocking all actual spoken human interaction in favour of communicating in swipes, Hash Tags, retweets, IM’s (Grinder, more on that later) and Instagram Likes.  You should buy an Apple Watch, I hear they allow you to almost be INSIDE the social media net, oh wait, I forgot, we’re over that... #gaytech 

Rupaul  - The newly re-elected leader / king / queen of the Gays

Mean Girls is always pretty (picture Logo TV)

Mean Girls is always pretty (picture Logo TV)

Rupaul Charles, affectionately know as Ru or Rupaul is the giant towering king / queen of the Gays.  Standing at just shy of 11ft 4”, in heels, this self-proclaimed ‘Glamazon’ ruled for a brief spell in the mid to late 90’s after recording the gay club anthem ‘Supermodel’.  She returned to power two years ago and grows stronger by the hour.  Ru’s cult TV show (how it hasn’t won a daytime Emmy yet is beyond me) ‘Drag Race’.

All Gays need to learn the entire 1st Album (yep he’s a singer too, and not a bad one it turns out) of Rupaul’s multi-albumed catalogue of music in order to be able to participate in singing the gay national anthem ‘Sissy That Walk’ at the start of every Pride parade. You should already be following Ru on Twitter and Insta by now.

Drag Race Season 7 contestants hear of some D&G going cheap and start queuing (Picture Logo TV)

Drag Race Season 7 contestants hear of some D&G going cheap and start queuing (Picture Logo TV)

Beyonce / Gaga / Kylie / Madonna – All past leaders of ‘the Gays’

These powerful ladies have managed to keep the dark forces of Sir Elton from taking supreme control of the Gays for over a hundred years. They continue to protect the kingdom, paid solely for this role in donations towards albums sales.

Madonna

Madonna recovers after her close call on national TV... (Picture Getty)

Madonna recovers after her close call on national TV... (Picture Getty)

The oldest living monarch, at 430yrs old, recently survived an assassination attempt where she was dragged backwards down a flight of stairs, by bulls, live on national TV.  Thankfully she survived, due only to her throat being made of gold, and has just announced her new tour. However by December when the tour, starts we will all be over it, as it will be old news and Cher (an institution, she even breeds lesbian transgender straight men in order to help us maintain strong in number), will probably have announced her 17th farewell tour. 

Apple Watch

Apple Watch is available both in and out of focus... (picture Apple) 

Apple Watch is available both in and out of focus... (picture Apple) 

Yeah we all really jumped on this last week, one is included in every ‘Welcome to the Gays’ starter pack.  You need an iPhone 6 to make it work, then you can Grind, Tweet, Insta, Facebook, Scruff and Spotify using one hand, instead of being forced to take that brand new £600 clumpy and cumbersome iPhone 6 out of your pocket…  with a price range from £300 to £13,500, there really is one for everyone, including poor straight people, so yay for that...

Wealthy

If you haven’t gathered already, we’re normally rich, or up to our eyes in debt to appear it. You HAVE to have a good credit score to join the Gays (well… to mate at least), otherwise how will you afford our fabulous lifestyle.  There are many social sub-groups to the Gays and they can be identified by the way they dress.  The general rule of thumb is if anything in a tracksuit (outside of a gym) approaches you, it will only end in tears (or the back of a Fiesta ST, then tears) – don’t, just don’t.

It's just how we roll baby... (Picture Audi) 

It's just how we roll baby... (Picture Audi) 

 Grinder / Scruffs / Tinder (yep that one too)

Whereas straight couples meet though friends and in social situations, we Gay’s have managed to find a quicker and more impersonal way of meeting a partner.

There are a number of dating / hookup ‘apps’ that have been aimed at the Gays and now have been officially adopted as the acceptable method of settling down and having Nylon kids (not my words, the words of D&G… #boycottDuchessandBandanas).  If you haven’t got a gallery of selfies and gynecology-textbook-worthy pics of your anatomy on your iPhone 6, ready to be deployed via your Apple Watch at a moments notice, then you potentially will never find love. #sadbuttrue